Things to make you heave

Two days ago I went shopping with my friend. Rather than go through the whole, "Sorry we can't heat your baby food, it's against screwed health and safety rules" scenario in one of the local restaurants we walked back to mine to feed Pork Chop. Fortunately I have the luxury of living right in the town centre and very close to the shops.

I plonked Pork Chop on the floor amongst her myriad of toys and went to prepare a tasty and nutritious slop that was once trout and courgette savoury before it was blended into oblivion. I went to retrieve her and was surprised at how unusually quiet she was. The reason soon became clear - Pork Chop was muching merrily on a slug. I nearly heaved on the spot, my friend M said she wasn't sure she could stomach her sandwich and Pork Chop just sat their grinning inanely with slug entrails dripping from her chin.

Quite where she got the slug from I do not know. I can only assume one of us walked in and didn't notice.

And by the way, yesterday I got to see the ex-bitch in the flesh for the first time and she bears an uncanny resemblance to Heather Mills-McCartney. Weird. Anyway, I am happy to say that although she may be the size of a Barbie doll and her perfect blonde hair was coiffed to within an inch of its life I still reckon I looked better than her. She is 18 years my senior and that is one thing she can never ever change! For the record I haven't gone and got a sugar daddy, The Other Half was in fact a bit of a toy boy when married with an older wife.

Dental nightmares again

A while ago I spoke about my first nightmare trip to the hygienist when I turned up to have my teeth tortured but was unable to because I hadn't taken my antibiotics ( I have a heart murmur need to take them because there is a slight chance dental work will release bacteria which will cause an infection - weird but true). Second time I went was fine, apart from the pain, and I was told to come for a follow up appointment a couple of months later. Unfortunately Pokr Chop had to come to as I couldn't find a baby sitter.

Normally she is fine, a joy to behold and people marvel at what a good baby she is. Yesterday I strongly suspect Satan decided to possess her, either that or she was just being a kantankerous little moo cow. Less than 30 seconds into the procedure Pork Chop, who was sitting opposite me in her pram, began to scream from the top of her lungs. We are not talking a little whimper or small cry of protest at the indignity of watching while Mummy has her teeth done, we are talking about a full-blown screaming session which makes everyone in a five mile radius run for cover. I tried to to calme her down - that didn't work. I tried bribery next, toys, rice cakes (normally a guaranteed winner) - still no luck and she continued to wail with heartrending abandon.

I was sweating profusely and bright red with embarrassment. The hygienist was sitting there with a kindly expression on her face saying, "Don't worry it happens, we're used to it." However, I suspect that she is lesbian and is only being polite and actually thinks, "What a complete nightmare, thank God I drink from the furry cup instead."

So sheepishly I left with my crying nightmare child tucked firmly under my arm. Fortunately they didn't charge me which was nice but I have had to rebook for January now.

The moral of this story - get a babysitter for dental appointments at all costs.

As an aside, just when you think you know someone.....My neighbours are a lovely couple and we go out with them every so often. I run with the girl and The Other Half has a nice time with her partner. Last night though I discovered they go cruising, for want of a better expression, in bars looking for girls to join them in threesomes. It's not my bag at all but it doesn't bother me and certainly won't affect our friendship (at least if they don't try it on) but whoever would have thought it? Just goes to show the old cliche is true - you can't judge a book by it's cover.