The topsy turvy world of health and safety

It is official- the world has gone mad, or at least this country has when it comes to health and safety. Children arent't allowed to play conkers in school because they might hurt themselves, teachers are scared to teach them outside in case they get sunburnt/frostbite (delete as appropriate) and the parents sue. We are told by welfare officers how many pieces of fruit to eat each day, how to brush our teeth and how to recycle our rubbish. We are monitored, checked, re-checked, tracked and controlled. Freedom really is just an illusion in this horribly Big Brotherish society we now live in.

And I personally was confronted by yet another element of this absurd, overbearing nanny state at the weekend in a restaurant.

"Shall we pop up to Richmon to see C?" suggested The Other Half.
"Lovely idea, " I said. "I shall pack Pork Chop's bags with food, shouldn't be a problem."

We set off to Richmond, we were on time, the journey was smooth, the car was comfy and Pork Chop was in a good mood. C was wonderful and looking well, our mutual friend M and her baby Fat Chops who is not yet three months old were also wonderful and relaxed. We took a lazy walk down to the river front, settled into a beautiful "child friendly" restaurant and got set to order our food. Problem.

"Can you heat Pork Chop's food for her, a couple of minutes in the microwave would be grand," I asked the waitress.
"Um, I'm sorry but health and safety won't allow us to do that. We are not allowed to take anything into the kitchen that hasn't been prepared in the kitchen."
"Oh, right. But it is frozen. In ice cubes. What do you expect me to do? She has not teeth."
"I'm sorry but health and safety just won't let us."

The female maitre'd then said they normally did it and it must be because they were busy but she would swing it for us. Cue the male maitre'd who obviously thought we hadn't got it first time round.

"Hi there are ya'all havin a good day? I'm sorry maybe you didn't understand yes we did perfectly well and we don't need to be spoken to like we are really really thick but carry on we'll humour you) but because of hot spots from a microwave health and safety won't allow us to heat the food up. I'm really sorry."]
Me: "But it is frozen. In. To. Ice. Cubes. (you stupid fuckhead) What I am supposed to do now then?"
Him: "Well she could always have something off the baby menu. We do organic spaghetti and meatballs."
Me: "She is seven months old. She has no teeth, she can't eat it unless it is pureed up. (You stupid stupid fuckhead I don't care whether it is organic or not at this point. If it isn't pureed it could be from the Queen's personal chef and she still wouldn't be able to eat it. Stupid fuckhead).
Him: "Well I suppose we could blend it for you, we have blenders in the kitchen. (but it will cost you £7 for the meal we are now forcing you to buy).
Me: "As long as you can definitely chop it all up then I suppose that would be okay, thanks. (stupid stupid childless waiter fuckhead)
Him: "Great I will get that sorted for you then." (stupid stupid breeding heterosexual bitch)

So after that little exchange Pork Chop, who was by now getting a bit pissed off at not having any food, did finally get her minced up meat balls. It was a lot more chunky than I wanted and she normally likes but thank God she did eat it.

But here comes the really screwy health and safety bit. Okay so they are not allowed to heat food in the kitchen for whatever stupid stupid reason and they are not allowed to heat her bottle either in the microwave. But, they are allowed to give us a boiling hot pot of water which spills all over the table and is within Pork Chop's reach to heat up the milk. So the tiny chance of a microwave hotspot is not allowed to be entertained but the very real possibility of my daughter pulling a kettle of scalding water all over herself is okay.

Hmm, how fucked up is that?