Things to make you heave

Two days ago I went shopping with my friend. Rather than go through the whole, "Sorry we can't heat your baby food, it's against screwed health and safety rules" scenario in one of the local restaurants we walked back to mine to feed Pork Chop. Fortunately I have the luxury of living right in the town centre and very close to the shops.

I plonked Pork Chop on the floor amongst her myriad of toys and went to prepare a tasty and nutritious slop that was once trout and courgette savoury before it was blended into oblivion. I went to retrieve her and was surprised at how unusually quiet she was. The reason soon became clear - Pork Chop was muching merrily on a slug. I nearly heaved on the spot, my friend M said she wasn't sure she could stomach her sandwich and Pork Chop just sat their grinning inanely with slug entrails dripping from her chin.

Quite where she got the slug from I do not know. I can only assume one of us walked in and didn't notice.

And by the way, yesterday I got to see the ex-bitch in the flesh for the first time and she bears an uncanny resemblance to Heather Mills-McCartney. Weird. Anyway, I am happy to say that although she may be the size of a Barbie doll and her perfect blonde hair was coiffed to within an inch of its life I still reckon I looked better than her. She is 18 years my senior and that is one thing she can never ever change! For the record I haven't gone and got a sugar daddy, The Other Half was in fact a bit of a toy boy when married with an older wife.